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[escepticos] (Fwd) Psychic humor, etc.
In a bold move to expand its market share, Novell announced today that
it will acquire the Psychic Friends Network. "We're teaming up with
psychics because it fits our strategy of pervasive computing,"
explained CEO Bob Frankenberg. "Being psychic is about as pervasive
as you can get." "Interest in the paranormal is growing
exponentially," says a Novell spokesperson. "We have decided to
abandon our involvement in the Internet and concentrate on the huge
market potential of the afterlife." Seeing Visions, Novell has
broadened the scope of its corporate vision, now stating that it will
help you "act on information anytime, anywhere, in any state of being,
even if you've passed into the next world." Through psychic "agents"
you will be able to work on your data from beyond the grave. "It gives
a whole new meaning to the term 'remote access,'" says Novell. "We
can help you stay in touch with your loved ones, your co-workers, and
most importantly your computer network," claims a press release from
the newly-formed Novell Apparitions Group. "Just because you've passed
beyond doesn't mean you can't be productive at work anymore." Of
course, the Health Plan isn't quite the same.
>From Cyberspace to Psychicspace. For the living, Novell is creating a new
groupware application, GhostWise, that allows you to e-mail and
schedule meetings with spirits, and delegate tasks to disembodied
souls. These features are helpful for holding online seances and
getting your work done by people with a lot of time on their hands.
And with the help of psychics, Novell will soon develop software to
support SANs, or Spirit Area Networks. The SAN Administrators will use
their extra-sensory abilities to tap into the next world and make
connections through the astral plane. "It's the ultimate network," one
enthusiastic programmer exclaimed.
Who You Gonna Call? Novell also plans to drastically change the way
customer support is handled. Besides charging $2.99 per minute (For
entertainment only; you must be 18 or older to call), the Novell
Psychic Hotline will offer personal readings and spiritual guidance.
"Many people just don't know how they affect their computer's
electrical field," says one Psychic Friend. "We help them tune their
aura to be in harmony with the operating system."
Space Aliens Conquer Redmond! Not to be outdone, Microsoft has
jumped on the paranormal bandwagon. "Psychics are yesterday's news,"
says their spokesperson. "UFO abductions are the hot topic today."
Indeed, Microsoft has already capitalized on this fad with its Windows
95 operating system. After working in this environment and suffering
the inevitable glitches and restarts, a user will experience symptoms
typical of UFO abductees: disorientation, paranoia, and an inability
to account for several hours of their day.
"We're also working on simulating Near Death Experiences," one
programmer said. However, many feel Microsoft already accomplished
that with Word 6.0, but without the brilliant light and feeling of
serenity. Getting Spooked. Though some observers are afraid of where
this trend will lead, their cries go unheard in the rush of companies
to bring products to this New Age market. Soon to be released is
Norton Exorcist 2.0, a utility that cleans up hard drives possessed by
unfriendly spirits. Lotus SmartSuite 96 will offer full-circle routing
that sends documents off to be reincarnated as PBS documentaries. And
Netscape will perpetuate the illusion of levitating its stock price
without any visible means of support. But for Novell, this is really
nothing new. The company has already demonstrated its skills with
magic by making entire departments vanish right before the eyes of
astonished onlookers. And with the help of psychics it will be able to
do even better. *** As one executive put it: "We'll be able to look
into the future and manage the demise of products we haven't even
acquired yet." *** Now that's real vision.
Fernando L. Frías Sánchez
mailto:yamato en ctv.es
Yamato en IRC